Am I always behind?

I have so many thoughts that go through my head everyday, I often think if I could get an "app" to record them all for me and put them into a blog I would be the world's best blogger :)

But I am not, and then I come to moments like this where I don't even know where to start to try to catch up...on the blog, my scrapbooks, my housework, my Christmas cards, calling close friends, cleaning out closets, Christmas shopping, packing....the list could go on and on.

But as I was pondering these thoughts this morning I found that there is one place that I will always SEEK to be behind. I ALWAYS want to be behind Jesus!

I want to STAND for HIM and have his back in all I do and say!
“Whoever acknowledges me before others, I will also acknowledge before my Father in heaven." Matthew 10:31-33

I want to FOLLOW HIM where ever He would lead me and TRUST in HIS plan for my life!
"that his line will continue forever and his throne endure before me like the sun;" Psalm 89:35-37; "This is the one about whom it is written: “‘I will send my messenger ahead of you, who will prepare your way before you.’" Matthew 11:9-11

I want to find myself at HIS feet, coming at HIM from behind just to touch the hem of HIS robe and to JUST BE in HIS presence! "When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.”
Mark 5:26-28

I want to TRUST HIM for my PROVISION...that HE will meet all my NEEDS and I will recognize what they are! "You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows." Psalm 23:4-6

I want to be AWARE of my need for a SAVIOR and ever willing and quick to be REPENTANT!
For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Psalm 51:2-4

Oh, My GOD! Allow me to walk behind you, to allow you to go before me and prepare the way! I seek to bring glory to your name. And as we live in this ADVENT season, may that GLORY and GRATITUDE overflow...you gave your son, your child for ME, Lord...for ME!

To Be Loved...

Yesterday was a rough day for me...

I think I am struggling with the thought of "Do I have a slight case of the 'Baby Blues' in the sense that my hormones are still out of whack? and just too trudging through the journey I am on with Christ and the challenges that we face along the daily path to choose what is holy and just in the way that we live.

But mainly it is rooted in the fact that I want to be loved. Loved for who I am...

Who am I seeking to be loved by? I think I am tying it to relationships that I have here on Earth...relationships that I want to be successful in...I DO NOT like letting ppl down, I want to be a good friend, a well-rounded momma, a submissive wife, an employee who meets all expectations.

We all want things like that right? and it is good to set those types of goals--good directions that we strive towards. The problem for me comes when I feel like I fail, when I don't feel accepted, when I disappoint...I honestly think a small part of me feels like b/c I did not measure up--the love in the relationship decreases...crazy I know!

Psalm 62 says...

¹ Truly my soul finds rest in God;
my salvation comes from him.

Does my soul truly find rest in God and God alone? I think it does...or it is on the journey to fully rest there. In looking online the other day I discovered, "The Father's Love Letter" It is a letter completely compiled of chunks of scripture that speak of God's great love and desire for us. Here is a short exert...

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love.
Romans 8:31-32

And I rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you.
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession.
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul.
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me.
Deuteronomy 4:29

God loves me! all the time...day in and day out. Whether I rise above or I fail...God loves me! I don't struggle with the thought of believing that I am loved, but when it comes to wrapping my head around the fact that it is UNCONDITIONAL...wow! that is where the challenge lies ;) I also received this blog post in an email this morning and the following portion totally stuck out to me and hit me...(from the blog Chatting at the Sky)

"I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out what it is I am fascinated by about a bride on her wedding day. And I think I’ve finally got it. It’s because there is something magical about the way of a woman who knows she is loved.

She is captivating. Compelling. Inspiring. On that day, she and her love have gathered up all those in their world and they say to one another, I choose you. With all of your crazy mess, with all of your fears and worries, with all of your radiant beauty, I choose you — when you are sick and when you are well, when you are rich and when you are poor. I choose you, and only death will come between us. And even then, you’ll be my love.

People who know they are loved are moved to be lovers. People who are unloved cannot move at all.

Until we know we are loved and accepted, we will continue to hide, to stay safe, to hold our cards close to our chest, to keep our real selves hidden from the world. It’s why that boy sent you a note in 5th grade that said “If you like me, check yes or no.” Check yes, and I’m safe to move. Check no and I may be hurt but at least I’ve not risked much. If we don’t know we are loved then it is unsafe to love in return.

The ones who love best are the ones who are able to receive and embrace their own belovedness. We cannot give what we have not first received. I dare you to believe that you are seen by a God who says to you, I choose you. With all of your crazy mess, with all of your fears and worries, with all of your radiant beauty, I choose you — when you are sick and when you are well, when you are rich and when you are poor. I choose you, and not even death will come between us."

Lord, give me the strength and confidence that I am loved by THE Great, High King. May I rest in the unwavering, embrace of your love and receive the grace and forgiveness that you grant us as your children. May I TRUST in your ability to heal my heart with your love when indeed it breaks. I love you, Lord.

Nothing Comfortable About it...(October 1, 2011)

This morning I had the opportunity to spend some quiet time with God...yes, you heard me right I did say quiet ;) I made the drive over to Lennox this am to help out my parents with a gun auction (a entirely different experience that would take a whole other blog post ;) On my way this question came to my mind, and I proceeded to text it to my family members to stir their thought processes as well...

"If you woke up this morning and heard the voice of God telling you to go to Ninevah, would you go? And how long would it take you to LEAVE the life you have and OBEY the call to follow?"

I am guessing this makes more sense in my head than in does for most of you. God has been leading me in prayer times and in conversations with Rob in what the future may or may not have in store for us. As I have been spending time thinking about these things my thoughts have really focused on the story of Jonah. I think this is a familiar story for many of us--if it is not though here is the quick recap...

God tells Jonah to go to Ninevah, Jonah whines about it and asks why Ninevah--ultimately refusing to go, God has Jonah swallowed by a whale, Jonah realizes he made big mistake, whale spits Jonah out, Jonah goes to Ninevah, God gets his way again ;)

Reviewing this story, pondering the sermons we have been having, and examining my own walk I began to think on the word "go". I cannot tell you how often I read some type of tag line on some type of Christian material that says we are all called to "go". This is also often closely follow by the line that reassures the quickened heart, "But don't worry! Not everyone is called to physically go."

Why? Why must we add this in right away? And why are we all not called to go? It is like there is this quick reassurance that follows the call to go--a reassurance that keeps us comfortable and doesn't allow us a chance to get anxious or feel the adrenaline that comes with the unknown. In thinking on this today, I really came to the conclusion that there is nothing comfortable about the word "go".

Everyone stays comfortable

Rob posted this onto his facebook page today and I thought I would share it here. This is a posting from author Doug Franklin's blog from September 14th.

I don’t know how students got the message but they all know it. “Your mission in life is to get the biggest home, nicest car and stay as comfortable as possible.” There must have been a message because they all know it. Someone, somewhere must have sat them all down and told them the meaning of life because most of them are pursuing it. The only way there wasn’t a direct message would have to be they got their purpose from watching us. Maybe it was a non-verbal message they received, or maybe every-time their parents kept them from any threat of danger they got the message to play it safe. Or maybe when they saw no one from their church do any ministry in the city or take any mission trips to tough places they determined that the Christian life was designed to be comfortable. Our actions as Christians have consequences and one of them is our students don’t know how to take any risks. When Christ followers stop taking risks we stop living by faith. Without faith we will do nothing.

You don't have to be in youth ministry or even a parent necessarily to take these words seriously. If you are a Christian man or woman and you are doing life with your church and your community. If you are seeking to be a disciple of our Lord Jesus Christ and walking with Him...PEOPLE ARE WATCHING YOU! Students and youth are not the only ones who need to understand the power and the concept of ABSOLUTE TRUTH or works without faith. We need to be able to live in such a way that allows our lives to speak volumes to those we come in contact with and to clearly portray our trust and dependence on the Lord.

How attached are we to our possessions? How do we spend our free time? Is our life so noisy that we can't discern God's leading and prompting?

These are all questions that I am asking myself today. Being a youth worker and a momma I have no choice. No one asked me to be a mom and no one forced me in to walking with students. I took those roles upon myself and with that comes responsibility--some of which I didn't even think all the way through I am sure. But I am willing...if it comes down to the girls in my huddle group being able to know and stand up for absolute truth or my own girls being rooted in the word and willing to take risks b/c they know that God will never leave nor forsake them and that He is a God who always keeps his word...always keeps his promises...then SIGN ME UP! Push me harder and hold me accountable. Let's be the body to each other in this way!

I Know That!

Just could help but comment on the irony of the fact that I made a post last week about Karys and I's conversation in which she told me, "Mommy, tell me something I don't know."

Well it just so happens that the phrase I have heard come out o Addyson's mouth multiple times this week is, "I know that, Mommy."

Rob and I have looked at each other so many times this week and just non-verbally and verbally acknowledged that we have officially arrived into the "TWO's"

Addyson knows what she wants, when she wants it...she knows how to use her eyes to convey her cuteness and her thought, "needs", she knows everything before you even tell her and if you tell her something she doesn't know she still looks at you and says "I know that"...

On the up-side of things, she is still potty training like a ROCK STAR!!! She has had one accident of each variety in the past week (both times while a baby sitter was here :S) But otherwise she heads to the bathroom by herself or let's you know she is on her way and wants you to meet her there.

She is eager for attention and tests the boundaries i you do not respond to her right away. If she feels like she needs to get your attention she may inform you, "I hit..." and then identify the closest victim and move towards them with hand and eyebrows raised, begging the question "What are you going to do about it?"

She is feisty, spunky, and full of life....and apparently she knows it all!!! oh man! I think I will be ready for the "Tell me something I don't know Momma" season to come by the time this is all said and done!

Focusing on the Holy

^{The Message Says...
"8-9}Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies."

The NASB says...
"⁸ Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is ^[b]lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, ^[c]dwell on these things. ⁹ The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."

So I was looking for something to watch on TV, to fall asleep to, and I came across Criminal Minds. Rob and I have watched this show a lot over the past year--seemed to always be a marathon on or episodes on the evenings after clinical or weekend nights when we wished we would have rented a movie. We have really gotten into it...but lately I haven't been able to watch it.

It kind off all started when we were down at his family's for the weekend and we were watching it with his mom. You know how it is when you are watching something with someone else and all of a sudden you become very aware of how graphic it is b/c you had just got done telling them it is a good show and you are hoping they will agree? Anyway, I think this was a more than normal, graphic episode but none the less I felt like I started to see this show in a whole new light. I knew already that it had trained my way of thinking, that I had had nightmares along the same lines as the show, etc...but I began to see it in the light of and ask the question, "Why do I watch this?"

I still don't know! It doesn't make me feel good, it makes me scared...It doesn't help me grow and become a better person, prob even puts a damper of who I could be in some ways...really, why do I watch this?

Like many things I have no good answers...and in praying about it lately I have come to realize that this isn't what God wants for me. I have a hard time already with getting things out of my head once I put them in...four letter words, violent movies, graphic lyrics from songs...

I know that I need to guard my heart...
Proverbs says:
"²² for they are life to those who find them
and health to one’s whole body.
²³ Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it.
²⁴ Keep your mouth free of perversity;
keep corrupt talk far from your lips. "

God is calling us to focus on the holy and to really dwell on whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is ^[b]lovely, whatever is of good repute...

Hmmm...even now as I am tempted to just watch The Hills on the TV guide. So easy to get sucked in to those types of shows...but I am trying to dwell where God calls me to be and to remember along side of that, "Would I want my girls watching these shows? Where would I want their hearts and eyes to dwell?"

There I should also be....

Tell Me Something I don't Know, Mom...

There may come a day where this statement will be said to me as a challenge...but tonight I am trying to soak in the fact that it was said to me in the most literal sense off the phrase...

Karys was walking next to me as we headed home from the football game when we walked past the law office by our house...

"I bet that is a house or something"
"No, that is a law office where lawyers work"
"What's a lawyer?"

Oh man! That was just the first of the questions...what is a lawyer, what is court, what does a judge do, what is a law????

After answering all of those, getting a drink and getting our pj's on, she continued to follow me around the house.
"Mom, tell me something that I don't know...tell me what more things mean."
"Like what KJ?"
"I don't care...anything I don't know that you think I should..."

Oh man! This opened the window for so many things! This is like every parent's dream to have the chance to tell their little kiddos everything they want them to know and learn and know that they are just little sponges waiting to take it all in...

But in the moment I was so overwhelmed on the inside just by the thought of it. Oh KJ, I want you to know how important it is to love God, to marry a man who loves God and to raise a family who loves God. I want you to know the fruits of the spirit inside and out so you can love God's people well. I want you to know the desperate need to know Jesus, to spend time with him, and to trust Him.

But she wanted to know the names of different muscles in the body, who the first president was and any president thereafter whose name I could remember, what the word 'terrified' meant and if spiders really suck your blood (b/c "that is what cousin Nathan told me") and if there are spiders that are poisonous where do they live, she thought they lived in Haiti b/c she saw a picture with one in it, and what did you do in Haiti mom and why did you go there....

To love God's people well, baby...b/c I love God...

Oh man! I got the chance to tell her everything I wanted to tell her tonight and so much more!

Thank you, Father for tonight...for this conversation with my little lady and for the hearts of all of my children...hearts that are seeking...

Thank you too for the things they do know! I went to a wedding tonight with Gracie and we were talking a little on the way home, and I said to her, "Gracie, Mommy prays very often that someday when you get married you will marry a man that loves Jesus more than anything else. Promise me you will do that, ok?"

"I will, mom...he will have to b/c I love Jesus so much right now and he lives in my heart"

Oh, sweet girl...thank you for knowing that...thank you, Lord!

The whispers of God...

I was not even sure what to title this post...

So many things have been happening, things I think "Oh, I need to blog about this"...but then the reality hits me of how far behind I am with the chronological order of my blog. BUT, I am letting go of that today. God is just speaking to me in so many ways that I can't help but share some of them and if I don't just do it now...well I will forget ;)

So the first thing I want to share is just the way God has been speaking between Rob and I. I am not sure that I can share the specifics, yet the concept has just been so cool I am going to do my best to paint the picture.

So lately, (it has happened 2 distinct times for sure) I have caught myself thinking through a challenging situation or thought and during that thought Rob will ask me a question that pertains exactly to what I am thinking. I know that is confusing so let me paint a scenario for you...

Say I am thinking about whether or not I should go to visit a friend who I haven't seen in a while, well before I can finish my thought Rob will ask me, "Why don't you go and visit, Frieda?"

It is just AMAZING! We have been able to "hear" from God in this way and really feel the call as well as the validation to take action. I LOVE that God uses our relationship to work. It not only calls us to be obedient and allows us to hear HIM, but it also allows us to fully function and live as a triple braided cord. To not only make decisions in life between the two of us but to allow God to work through us. We don't feel the need to have drawn out conversations about these things--we both remain in fervent prayer over the decisions just to be sure that our hearts are right and we are both seeking to "hear" and be obedient.

So we have acted on both of these decisions, and the same day we followed through on the most recent opportunity to act/be obedient we were in Target's diaper aisle analyzing which package of diapers was the best deal. We were the only ppl in the aisle and as we were standing there a $20 bill just plopped down right in front of us. Rob saw it literally fall from up above our heads. We asked each other if we could have dropped it, we knew it wasn't there when we came down the aisle b/c that is something we both would have seen. WOW! We didn't have words for it...Rob's comment was, eyes big with amazement, "I can't even talk about this right now!" God was already showing us HIS provision for us and his acknowledgement of our obedience! It was AMAZING!

Another area I feel that I have been hearing God is in my relationships. I am such a relational person and having more free time this year than I did last year I was very excited to dig back into Bible study/accountability with friends. Well, the dynamics have shifted in some of those areas and I ended up finding myself in a place where I felt this deep longing to be known, yet no one really in a place to respond to my emotion. I immediately felt hurt, yet also quickly directed to my true longing--a longing that I missed to initially identify. I am such a people person and while I long to be known by those I am in relationship; however, in that I began to see that that is what I was attaching my spiritual growth/life to. If I wasn't in a group or meeting with sisters than I didn't feel like I could grow. God was clearly and blatantly showing me that YES relationships are important, but NO ONE can know me the way HE can and thru me HE is made known. Mmmmm....it was so good to realize!

i am just really at this place where I know how DEPENDENT I was on God last year and how He truly grew my TRUST for Him and showed my the true meaning of my mantra 'manna for today'...However, I am now in a place of GREAT hunger! Hunger for His word, hunger for His voice in my life, His truth in my heart, and His call for my life...Hunger for ROOTS that go down deep in HIS love and Hunger for a KNOWLEDGE of Him--a place where I feel I will experience the satisfaction of my true longing to be known by my creator.

Oh it is just so good, my heart is so full and the Lord has been so provisional of all of my needs!

I was recently reading Shauna Niequist’s blog, and a friend of my sister's actually blogged on this same segment from Shauna's blog about her upcoming book Bread and Wine and about her current journey in life:

“This season in my life hasn’t been about food. It’s been about friendship and family and letting people see you when you’re at your worst. It’s been about confronting your own ideas about what makes you valuable, and being forced to realize that being loved isn’t about proving yourself valuable at all, but about something else entirely.

It’s June 1^st. Five months later, here I am. Submitting myself to the mystery and adventure of writing. As always, I begin with the belief that I have something to say. As always, I come around to the reality that I have something to learn. You’d think I’d know this by now.

Bread & Wine won’t be what I intended it to be.

Thank God.

This season isn’t at all what I intended it to be.

Thank God.

Once again today, I’m reminded that writing is more about learning than telling, more about discovering than reporting, more about revealing than pronouncing. I’m showing up today for the first time in a long time, humble before the page, or the laptop as it were, ready to learn, ready to discover.”

As I read her wise words about writing, I connected with her feelings of showing up ready to tell, to pronounce, to report, only to realize I am on a journey of learning, revealing, and discovering. God is growing me and my heart for him...

This has come through challenging "Why?" questions and really thinking through "Who am I?" and "Who has God called me to be?" "How does my life speak right now?"

I hope that in the days and weeks to come I will continue to hunger, continue to listen and act in obedience, continue to pray and seek, and continue to be set apart from the world....wow...wonder what the weeks will hold?!?!?!

Gracie's California Birthday

Sunset Photo Shoot...California Style!

California Trip (May 5-10)