To Be Loved...

Yesterday was a rough day for me...

I think I am struggling with the thought of "Do I have a slight case of the 'Baby Blues' in the sense that my hormones are still out of whack? and just too trudging through the journey I am on with Christ and the challenges that we face along the daily path to choose what is holy and just in the way that we live.

But mainly it is rooted in the fact that I want to be loved. Loved for who I am...

Who am I seeking to be loved by? I think I am tying it to relationships that I have here on Earth...relationships that I want to be successful in...I DO NOT like letting ppl down, I want to be a good friend, a well-rounded momma, a submissive wife, an employee who meets all expectations.

We all want things like that right? and it is good to set those types of goals--good directions that we strive towards. The problem for me comes when I feel like I fail, when I don't feel accepted, when I disappoint...I honestly think a small part of me feels like b/c I did not measure up--the love in the relationship decreases...crazy I know!

Psalm 62 says...

¹ Truly my soul finds rest in God;
my salvation comes from him.

Does my soul truly find rest in God and God alone? I think it does...or it is on the journey to fully rest there. In looking online the other day I discovered, "The Father's Love Letter" It is a letter completely compiled of chunks of scripture that speak of God's great love and desire for us. Here is a short exert...

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love.
Romans 8:31-32

And I rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you.
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession.
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul.
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me.
Deuteronomy 4:29

God loves me! all the time...day in and day out. Whether I rise above or I fail...God loves me! I don't struggle with the thought of believing that I am loved, but when it comes to wrapping my head around the fact that it is UNCONDITIONAL...wow! that is where the challenge lies ;) I also received this blog post in an email this morning and the following portion totally stuck out to me and hit me...(from the blog Chatting at the Sky)

"I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out what it is I am fascinated by about a bride on her wedding day. And I think I’ve finally got it. It’s because there is something magical about the way of a woman who knows she is loved.

She is captivating. Compelling. Inspiring. On that day, she and her love have gathered up all those in their world and they say to one another, I choose you. With all of your crazy mess, with all of your fears and worries, with all of your radiant beauty, I choose you — when you are sick and when you are well, when you are rich and when you are poor. I choose you, and only death will come between us. And even then, you’ll be my love.

People who know they are loved are moved to be lovers. People who are unloved cannot move at all.

Until we know we are loved and accepted, we will continue to hide, to stay safe, to hold our cards close to our chest, to keep our real selves hidden from the world. It’s why that boy sent you a note in 5th grade that said “If you like me, check yes or no.” Check yes, and I’m safe to move. Check no and I may be hurt but at least I’ve not risked much. If we don’t know we are loved then it is unsafe to love in return.

The ones who love best are the ones who are able to receive and embrace their own belovedness. We cannot give what we have not first received. I dare you to believe that you are seen by a God who says to you, I choose you. With all of your crazy mess, with all of your fears and worries, with all of your radiant beauty, I choose you — when you are sick and when you are well, when you are rich and when you are poor. I choose you, and not even death will come between us."

Lord, give me the strength and confidence that I am loved by THE Great, High King. May I rest in the unwavering, embrace of your love and receive the grace and forgiveness that you grant us as your children. May I TRUST in your ability to heal my heart with your love when indeed it breaks. I love you, Lord.

Nothing Comfortable About it...(October 1, 2011)

This morning I had the opportunity to spend some quiet time with God...yes, you heard me right I did say quiet ;) I made the drive over to Lennox this am to help out my parents with a gun auction (a entirely different experience that would take a whole other blog post ;) On my way this question came to my mind, and I proceeded to text it to my family members to stir their thought processes as well...

"If you woke up this morning and heard the voice of God telling you to go to Ninevah, would you go? And how long would it take you to LEAVE the life you have and OBEY the call to follow?"

I am guessing this makes more sense in my head than in does for most of you. God has been leading me in prayer times and in conversations with Rob in what the future may or may not have in store for us. As I have been spending time thinking about these things my thoughts have really focused on the story of Jonah. I think this is a familiar story for many of us--if it is not though here is the quick recap...

God tells Jonah to go to Ninevah, Jonah whines about it and asks why Ninevah--ultimately refusing to go, God has Jonah swallowed by a whale, Jonah realizes he made big mistake, whale spits Jonah out, Jonah goes to Ninevah, God gets his way again ;)

Reviewing this story, pondering the sermons we have been having, and examining my own walk I began to think on the word "go". I cannot tell you how often I read some type of tag line on some type of Christian material that says we are all called to "go". This is also often closely follow by the line that reassures the quickened heart, "But don't worry! Not everyone is called to physically go."

Why? Why must we add this in right away? And why are we all not called to go? It is like there is this quick reassurance that follows the call to go--a reassurance that keeps us comfortable and doesn't allow us a chance to get anxious or feel the adrenaline that comes with the unknown. In thinking on this today, I really came to the conclusion that there is nothing comfortable about the word "go".