Ok....are you ready for this? Yeah, I don't know if I am....but I know that I need to update the blog, and I need to journal cuz I am a ball of emotion and knots--so really I could just kill two birds with one stone? Ok, like I said are you sure you are ready for this?
I am a sinner....I am not enough...I am a liar and a cheat...I am scared of failure--like REALLY scared...I want to make a difference...I want recognition...I want to be all things to all ppl but I know I can't...I am angry...I am controlling...I am unmotivated...I am so tired...I am tense and uptight...I am sick...I am broken...I am on my face...I am held...I am lifted up...I am walking...I am flying...I am a leader...I AM PASSIONATE...I am a lover...I am a listener...I am a learner....I am bold...I am relational...I am empathetic and compassionate...I am a daughter...I am a vapor...I am sent...I am willing...break me...refine me...lead me...carry me...send me...empower me....emesh my being into yours....make me invisible that ppl may see only you when they see me....hear my cry...recieve my worship...thank you....thank you....thank you...................
Over the past couple days, maybe even the past week I have been heavy with conviction of where I fall short. It all started in a sunday school class for K-2 graders talking about "busting" sin and being a part of the sin busters club. We have walked through Stealing, Dishonesty, and I forget the term for the other one but making fun of others. So through all three of these, especially the first two I have sat in a room full of kids...as the example in the room right? And never felt more humility...Who am I to lead and teach them? I am a thief...I have taken things without permission--from my mom, my sisters, even Rob. I am a liar...really I have been doing it so long that sometimes I can't draw the line between the truth and the lie (Plz don't lose my trust yet in hearing that...I will get there ;) And my question has been throughout this time...If we were created to worship God and to bring glory to Him....yet we were born sinners...how are we supposed to overcome our sin to find our true innate calling and why does our sin seem to take precedence over our need to worship and our journey to holiness?
Well, I have also felt lately as well a foreign feeling of self-righteousness....and I say foreign bc I haven't seen it before...it could have been there I just chose not to look at it or really was ignorant to it. I know I haven't arrived....plz ppl I KNOW! But lately I feel like I have been acting like I have. I have words for everyone, a plan for everything, time for others....something is wrong....very wrong....
By starting to draw the lines between these two things an amazing revelation hit me! Yes I was created to WORSHIP and yes I was born a SINNER....but I can't do it on my own! And the only way to overcome my sinnful being is to recognize my NEED for God and once I do that my innate being starts to stir and I am drawn to my face longing to be held by the one who created me needing nothing more that a gently finger to wipe away my tears. I look up and see a picture of myself nailed to the cross...I am smiling and beautiful-yet I am broken and sinful...but I am FORGIVEN and I am HOLY because I have been washed by the blood of the Lamb...the Lamb who was sacrificed on the altar as an overwhelming, all-encompassing atonement for my sins.
I CANNOT BE ALL THINGS TO ALL PPL! I had a girl get pretty upset with me this week bc I told her, "There is nothing special about me...I am just someone who chose to take the time to spend with you, bc I want you to grow in JEsus." Oh she was mad! She hated the way I downplayed myself...but that is what I need to do! I am a vapor, I am insignificant, BUT I am devoted to the one who made me and destined to do His kingdom work here on earth--therefore I am malleable, and willing to be made perfect in my weakness. i am on my face wrapped int he arms of God....He is carrying me to that special place where He himself will put me back together and help me realize my worth (Cuz let me tell you after sin busters I was feeling pretty worthless!) And he will forgive me, but he will also challenge me and grow me....stretch me and push me...and that might hurt, and I am going to fall down (Probably a lot)....but I will be able to rest in the fact that I am under the authority of God. I answer to no one else....and in that I seek only His approval and serve and worship Him and him alone! How can I be self righteous if I am walking in that?
So let my life be more than talk! I want to be bold for Christ! I want to dance in the streets bc I have wailed before the Lord, He has heard my cries and pulled me from the pit I put myself in...
PPL why are we here? I wish it was to lie on our faces daily before the throne of Christ, to dance in the courts of the King, to be blinded by the light of the world..........wait...........it is! It is that.....granted that will come full circle when one day heaven comes to earth and we will forever live lives in eternity filled with worship and glory. But we are also here for another reason...one of the main reasons I learned tonight. I was in worship with a group of believers from OC a lot of whom I don't know. And during that time I realized the great commandment...LOVE MY PPL AS YOU WOULD LOVE YOURSELF! Be my hands and feet to them allow your touch to be my hand reaching out to them from heaven....allowing them to feel accepted, loved.....forgiven!
I know I am all over the place.....
We need to be time warriors! Not so wrapped up in our own lives that we aren't taking time for 1-JESUS and 2-others! And yes if you figure this out....CALL ME! But I want to strive to find this balance....bc we live in a world where relationships take time and we live messy lives. How do we have an intimate personal relationship with Jesus Christ--and I mean INTIMATE and DEVOUT....yet take care of our families and created KINGDOM relationships with the ppl around us and those we are yet to come into contact with?
OK, so if you are still with me that is my heart....Idon't have answers but I am now on the journey to seek them out. The journey is starting with refinement. I am a broken daughter of the king....a king who longs for the restoration of HIS ppl....PRAISE JESUS! I am choosing to begin the restoration.......