Kindergarten Zoo Trip

Every year the kindergarten class goes to the zoo as an end of the year field trip.  I go to to go with Gracie's class last year-I was extremely preggo-and ended up going straight to the hospital afterwards and discovered I had dilated from 3cm to 5cm while at the zoo :/ (Toby wasn't born til about 2 weeks later).

Well this year, I thought I would do the same with Karys.  Just call in and volunteer and plan on going to the zoo.  Well, that was not the case.  The response that came informed me that they already had enough chaperones and wouldn't need my help.  This is when the rush of tears came.  I haven't friend in weeks, maybe even months and I was now crying over the zoo trip!  What?!?!

It is still hard to pinpoint exactly the motions that pushed me over the edge....
*This would be her "last" field trip for who knows how long and I wouldn't be able to go
*I went with Gracie...how would she understand that I wouldn't be able to go with her
*The reality of moving....setting in like a meteor...

After being being consumed by the thought of not going and enduring Karys' pretty upset response, I stopped at a stop sign while driving and just cried out to God (you can make those abnormally long stops in Orange City and not worry about heavy traffic :)

"God, if this is something I need to let go of I need you to take it from me b/c I can't seem to put it down."

And that is EXACTLY what he did!  I had a peace...it wasn't instant but it sure was quick.  I knew and I trusted that if I was supposed to pursue this further he would make it known to me.  And THANKFULLY I claimed His peace and promises b/c there were challenging moments.  Gracie's field trip was also full, I was fine...a few other mom's didn't get to go either, I was still fine...until...

The week of the field trip Karys was looking super sad at breakfast one morning.  This is not a common things for her--she is definitely my morning girl.  "Mom, I am not going to the zoo this week."

Oh, man. God equip me for this one....

She went on to explain how she was really upset I wasn't coming to the zoo and was not in any way interested in going if I didn't go.  Many of you do know that KJ is my more expressive, or shall we say dramatic, child :)  So I was having a hard time knowing what to do.  Was God prompting me to pursue the situation, or just bringing me along side her through a learning time.

Without giving any false hope I just told her that sometimes God plans are different than ours and that things don't always work out how we would need them to.  My dear friend Sara was going on the trip and as I told Karys that she did become more ok with the idea.   After prayer though and seeking advice I did go in and discuss the situation with her teacher.  It was a GREAT conversation and I am so grateful for the teachers the girls had this year.  From our convo it was decided that i could meet the class for lunch and some playtime at the park.  Perfect solution!

I had such a great time and got to spend some great time with Karys and her friends!

 


We had such a GREAT time! Karys has just grown up so much this past year and I really value my time and talks with this little girl...I learn something from her carefree, loving spirit  almost every time!

Milk taste test #1

One of the things we have been trying to prepare ourselves for is the fact that we won't have access to milk or other dairy products as easily in Haiti.  So in attempts to figure out how we are going to get our calcium and be able to still enjoy cereal, Rob picked up some Almond milk from the store for us all to try.  I am most concerned about Toby having access to milk.  All the kids really are such avid milk drinkers and we need to establish some option and are hoping that it won't have to be powdered milk.  We will of course take vitamins and make sure we are getting the minerals and vitamins we need!


As you will see from the pictures below the taste test was really successful--with those who tried it :)  Addy wasn't convinced that it was gonna be a good thing and refused to try it and I think we will hold off with the little man for just another week or two--he is almost 1!  I did give it a 3/4 of a thumbs up...it definitely isn't awful or even bad, but I am SUCH a milk lover and a skim milk lover at that, it was just a little thick and creamy for my taste.  However, considering the alternatives...I will be JUST FINE!

`

Great White Hope

So as I was rocking Toby to sleep my mind drifted to Haiti--this might be a frequent occurrence ;)  I began to reflect on some things that I have read lately and stories that I have heard from other mission organizations regarding, "The Great White Hope".

If you are not familiar with what I am talking about, that is fine.  I have just come to discover this term in the past few months of our journey.  Basically, this term is referring to the mentality that as "white" people we sometimes view missions and service as something only we can do (as a privileged ppl group).  It refers to the mentality that some ppl have of being the "solution" to the problem or the only hope for poverty.  It refers to the fact that sometimes we think we can just come in and fix it...

Oh man, this is SOOO dangerous!  Half of the time we are merely putting out fires or putting band aids on things when we serve in this mentality and all in all that could be doing more harm than good.

A few weeks back I sat in on a time of sharing with JeanJean and Kristie Mompremier.  They actually are full time missionaries that serve in Pignon, Haiti and work with UCI .  They were sharing about their ministry down in Haiti and it was just SO inspiring.  They talked about the growth that they have experienced over the 7 years they have been living and serving in Haiti and they talked about their passion for leading Haitians and desiring the "abundant" life for them.  It got me to thinking, what is and abundant life...that is almost a whole other post topic :)  But the just of that abundant life was wholeness and faith in Christ!  They seek not only to empower the Haitian ppl to be good workers and sustainable, but they preach the gospel with every breath and at every opportunity they get to do so.

We have recently heard of organizations where this is not the case at all.  There are ppl serving in the mission field who have come to be the savior to many and to have many depend on their resources and aid.  We don't desire to be that in any way, shape or form.  Dear friends, PRAY for us!  Pray that our hearts cling to that desire and that we hold fast to the call God has given us and give all of the glory and renown to HIM!

There is no such things as the "Great White Hope"...in our flesh there is no hope at all.

This is where my thoughts went today.  Why are we going to Haiti?  I can't fix anything down there and no matter what I bring to the table God is sovereign and He will work in His way despite of me...why does he need us to be His servants?

This is tough and if you are from any Reformed background or any other denomination that believes in predestination or an election mentality it complicates things even further (in my opinion).  Therefore, we are not including that concept in this discussion...

God doesn't need us...He will work despite of us.  But He desires us to be His tangible hands and feet...to extend the hand of service and the heart of love to those who don't know Him.  We are His vessels...when we surrender our flesh to the Lord and commit our hearts to serve, love and glorify Him, He is able to live and move and breath in a whole new way.

It is not about us...for all of you reading this I full on EXPECT that as you continue to follow our journey and read our story you will hold me ACCOUNTABLE!  It will never be me who saves a little baby from poverty, it will never be me who leads another to the Lord, it will never be of my own doing or my own accord. Call me out if I ever claim that!

Rather it will be the Lord living and working through me...I desire to stay in that open and obedient place.  The place that allows my flesh and my gifts to be used by Him for His glory...but never is it me bring hope to the hopeless or delivering the undeliverable...

A friend wrote this on FB today, " Jesus could have navigated His company around the storm.. But if He had let the disciples avoid it, they would never have known Him as the Master of the winds and the waves. We were made to know Him...we must realize that we can't really know the Deliverer unless we need deliverance. We can't know our Redeemer unless we need redemption. We can't know our Refuge unless we experience danger. Deep down, we want real faith. "


Who is to say that we aren't the hopeless ones or the ones needing to be saved.  Who is to say that we aren't the broken ones in need or a healing or a rescue.  Without the Lord I am nothing...However, when I know my worth in Him, I am obedient to His call and I allow Him to breathe for me...to move me...to rule my life...oh, friends!  Then we are more than conquerors!

A "Good" Dream

We were talking about dreams a little bit tonight before bed.  Karys perked up right away...

"I had a good dream the other night.  Oh (she said remembering the dream and smiling so joyfully)...I was in my room at night and I began yelling for you guys.  I yelled for mom, and Jesus came.  Then I was yelling for Daddy, and God came.  It was so real...it was like I really wasn't asleep at all, but then I woke up in the morning and I knew that it had been a dream"

What did they look like Karys?

With a big smile on her face, "They looked just how I imagined them."

Why were you yelling for us?
"I was scared."

Did they say anything to you?
"They just came in and crawled in my bed and lay with me.  They whispered things in my ear...I don't remember what they were, I just remember I felt so much better."

Karys, I think this could have really happened don't you?
"I don't know, but it was a good dream...felt so real."

The Words that Define them

I just had to share this post that I stumbled across from a friend's blog this am...I feel like it was prompted from an incident we had with Karys this weekend.  She got into some trouble (I am not going to go into detail), that involved Karys treating another little girl unkindly.  This is new for us...sure Karys and Gracie fight, but Karys is my lover--my little girl with a huge heart who is an AMAZING friend to so many.  We hear this at conferences frequently...

Anyway, as Karys and I were talking things through the meaning of her name came to the front of my mind.  Karys--"to love well".   (Yes it is the Greek word for "grace" as well but when we changed the spelling it means to love well in Welsh :) 

I don't know if I have ever told her what her name meant...wow!  How could that have been.  That is part of who God has created her to be.  Part of what defines her...

You should have seen her eyes light up when I said to her, "KJ, do you know what your name means?"  In that moment she owned that.  She owned that definition of herself.  

In order to do that, we have been told who we are.  Yes , as we all discover our true selves as we grow and continue to learn more about the God who made us and His love for us...but we all are told who we are at some points in our lives and no matter what we do...in so many ways that shapes who we are and grow to become.  Whether it becomes words that help us become strong and confidant or words that constantly make us feel like we are a failure...the words we heard about ourselves as a child have played a role in who we have become.

WOW!  That is HUGE!  The words I am speaking to 4 little ppl everyday, are shaping them into who they will one day become...

Lord, guard my tongue and be at the forefront of my words...I want to leave a legacy!

There's something that has been on my heart for a while now and I really feel like I need to share.

I've been thinking a lot about the legacy that I'm leaving for my sweet, precious Hannah. 

The other day she told me she wished she had dark brown hair. It broke my heart. Hannah has gorgeous hair with lots of natural blonde highlights, people pay good money to have hair like Hannah. It broke my heart because I saw her discontent with how God made her. And I thought about me. What do I think about how God made me? 

When I look at pictures of myself, I don't always see the beautiful women that God made, I see my teeth that are crooked or the beautiful women next to me who I compare myself to. However, my desire is to see the beauty in who God created me to be; inside and out. 

Thankfully God has taken me on an amazing journey over the past six years. He has lovingly taught me that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made." He made no mistake when he made me or my beautiful Hannah.

When Hannah looks up to me I can't help but think about the legacy I'm leaving for her. Is she seeing a women that is able to love and accept herself the way that Christ made her, or does she see a mom who is unhappy with her hair color, or her teeth, or her body? Does she see Christ at work in her mommy?
My prayer is that Hannah will grow up to be a women who loves Christ with everything that she has...and that includes loving herself, just the way she is.

What legacy are you leaving for your little girl? When she looks at you does she see a mommy who accepts how Christ has made her? Does she see a women who is beautiful because Christ lives in her?

How do I love well in transition?

Well, I think we are in that lull...the lull of really not knowing how to feel and what to do.  I mean, our house if for sale and showing well but not sold yet.  I am weekly cleaning it up for showings and can't really tear it apart to start organizing/packing/etc b/c I have to be able to pack it all away for a showing.  So I wait for now...

I have had to say goodbye to a few ppl already--my lovely work-study students from NW and students I came to know and love :)  It is hard, some of them I was really just developing such great relationship with and the conversations I was having were just so good and so rich!  That is where I am right now I think...that is where my thoughts are focused.  How do I do relationships knowing I am leaving?  How do I do relationship well with those whose path crosses mine?  What does God intend relationships to be and look like?

I think I worry about this because I have moved from place to place and I know that I do not do long distance relationships well.  Yes, there are those relationships that are just so natural and wonderful...the ones where you can just pick up where you left off whenever you get together and it really is as if nothing ever changed!  But not all are that way...I stink at phone calls.  Mainly b/c in this season of my life I don't have time to talk with everyone on the phone for long periods of time and the longer we go without talking and the longer I think the phone conversation to catch up will end up being and the more anxious I become that I will not do the call justice before my kids start demanding my attention.

I worry about relationships with family, with friends, and with those young girls that I walk with.  The ones who count on me to contact them...those I hope to affirm and to love on...

I look back at the ladies I LOVED so much in Cali...one beautiful, dear one is getting married to a wonderful man this weekend!  The time I spent with her brings me such joy...but I miss her...and life has gone on and our journeys have continued.

So how do I finish the relationships I have well and set myself up for success?
I don't want to lose the friends I have...
I want my nieces and nephews to know me and know I love them...
My dear sisters (all 4 of them) and my mom--enough said...

It brings me to that place of really seeking to understand what God intends for us in relationship.  I really don't know if I have figured it out...definitely feel like I am still in the seeking phase of what that looks like.  But I have discovered a few things...

**Even though I am not good at long distance relationship with people, I WANT to be good at relationship with God.  The effort it takes, the time I must set aside, the way we make the ppl we are in relationship with feel they are a priority...I WANT that with my God.  I WANT that to be my priority.

**I need to TRUST the Lord with my relationships.  I must trust that our paths have crossed for a reason and lives are changed as a result.  I must trust that if I fail to maintain contact or show my love to ppl that God knows where I will fall short and in my weakness he will complete and bring wholeness.  I need to trust that the relationships I have are built on more than just being good ppl together but rather seeking to expand the KINGDOM and SERVE together and thus those we walk with will support us and join us on the pilgrimage.

**I need to make the most of the time, the face-to-face time that I have left without getting stuck on "the lasts".

Wow, ramblings....thanks for listening :)  Continuing to covet your prayers, invite your wisdom, and welcome your encouragement!

Cats and Dogs

Addy:  "I don't like cats...they lick my finger."
Me:  "Do you like dogs?"
Addy:  "Only when they sit down..."

:)