Wrapped in the arms of God

Ok....are you ready for this? Yeah, I don't know if I am....but I know that I need to update the blog, and I need to journal cuz I am a ball of emotion and knots--so really I could just kill two birds with one stone? Ok, like I said are you sure you are ready for this?

I am a sinner....I am not enough...I am a liar and a cheat...I am scared of failure--like REALLY scared...I want to make a difference...I want recognition...I want to be all things to all ppl but I know I can't...I am angry...I am controlling...I am unmotivated...I am so tired...I am tense and uptight...I am sick...I am broken...I am on my face...I am held...I am lifted up...I am walking...I am flying...I am a leader...I AM PASSIONATE...I am a lover...I am a listener...I am a learner....I am bold...I am relational...I am empathetic and compassionate...I am a daughter...I am a vapor...I am sent...I am willing...break me...refine me...lead me...carry me...send me...empower me....emesh my being into yours....make me invisible that ppl may see only you when they see me....hear my cry...recieve my worship...thank you....thank you....thank you...................

Over the past couple days, maybe even the past week I have been heavy with conviction of where I fall short. It all started in a sunday school class for K-2 graders talking about "busting" sin and being a part of the sin busters club. We have walked through Stealing, Dishonesty, and I forget the term for the other one but making fun of others. So through all three of these, especially the first two I have sat in a room full of kids...as the example in the room right? And never felt more humility...Who am I to lead and teach them? I am a thief...I have taken things without permission--from my mom, my sisters, even Rob. I am a liar...really I have been doing it so long that sometimes I can't draw the line between the truth and the lie (Plz don't lose my trust yet in hearing that...I will get there ;) And my question has been throughout this time...If we were created to worship God and to bring glory to Him....yet we were born sinners...how are we supposed to overcome our sin to find our true innate calling and why does our sin seem to take precedence over our need to worship and our journey to holiness?

Well, I have also felt lately as well a foreign feeling of self-righteousness....and I say foreign bc I haven't seen it before...it could have been there I just chose not to look at it or really was ignorant to it. I know I haven't arrived....plz ppl I KNOW! But lately I feel like I have been acting like I have. I have words for everyone, a plan for everything, time for others....something is wrong....very wrong....

By starting to draw the lines between these two things an amazing revelation hit me! Yes I was created to WORSHIP and yes I was born a SINNER....but I can't do it on my own! And the only way to overcome my sinnful being is to recognize my NEED for God and once I do that my innate being starts to stir and I am drawn to my face longing to be held by the one who created me needing nothing more that a gently finger to wipe away my tears. I look up and see a picture of myself nailed to the cross...I am smiling and beautiful-yet I am broken and sinful...but I am FORGIVEN and I am HOLY because I have been washed by the blood of the Lamb...the Lamb who was sacrificed on the altar as an overwhelming, all-encompassing atonement for my sins.

I CANNOT BE ALL THINGS TO ALL PPL! I had a girl get pretty upset with me this week bc I told her, "There is nothing special about me...I am just someone who chose to take the time to spend with you, bc I want you to grow in JEsus." Oh she was mad! She hated the way I downplayed myself...but that is what I need to do! I am a vapor, I am insignificant, BUT I am devoted to the one who made me and destined to do His kingdom work here on earth--therefore I am malleable, and willing to be made perfect in my weakness. i am on my face wrapped int he arms of God....He is carrying me to that special place where He himself will put me back together and help me realize my worth (Cuz let me tell you after sin busters I was feeling pretty worthless!) And he will forgive me, but he will also challenge me and grow me....stretch me and push me...and that might hurt, and I am going to fall down (Probably a lot)....but I will be able to rest in the fact that I am under the authority of God. I answer to no one else....and in that I seek only His approval and serve and worship Him and him alone! How can I be self righteous if I am walking in that?

So let my life be more than talk! I want to be bold for Christ! I want to dance in the streets bc I have wailed before the Lord, He has heard my cries and pulled me from the pit I put myself in...

PPL why are we here? I wish it was to lie on our faces daily before the throne of Christ, to dance in the courts of the King, to be blinded by the light of the world..........wait...........it is! It is that.....granted that will come full circle when one day heaven comes to earth and we will forever live lives in eternity filled with worship and glory. But we are also here for another reason...one of the main reasons I learned tonight. I was in worship with a group of believers from OC a lot of whom I don't know. And during that time I realized the great commandment...LOVE MY PPL AS YOU WOULD LOVE YOURSELF! Be my hands and feet to them allow your touch to be my hand reaching out to them from heaven....allowing them to feel accepted, loved.....forgiven!

I know I am all over the place.....

We need to be time warriors! Not so wrapped up in our own lives that we aren't taking time for 1-JESUS and 2-others! And yes if you figure this out....CALL ME! But I want to strive to find this balance....bc we live in a world where relationships take time and we live messy lives. How do we have an intimate personal relationship with Jesus Christ--and I mean INTIMATE and DEVOUT....yet take care of our families and created KINGDOM relationships with the ppl around us and those we are yet to come into contact with?

OK, so if you are still with me that is my heart....Idon't have answers but I am now on the journey to seek them out. The journey is starting with refinement. I am a broken daughter of the king....a king who longs for the restoration of HIS ppl....PRAISE JESUS! I am choosing to begin the restoration.......

April Fool's

Just thought I would let you know what AWESOME weather we are having! It is like mid 70's and the sun is shining...I am so looking forward to going to the park today and taking a walk with the girls in the stroller! I think I will go for a run in shorts and a t-shirt...and after that have a picnic in the front yard!

APRIL FOOL's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, none of that is true as many of you know!!! And I feel like I had a peace about it yesterday b/c the SNOW that fell melted quickly and by 5 the streets were dry and I could go for a quick run, but yeah I woke up to MORE snow and covered roads again this morning. In case HE doesn't already know..."God it is April, and this is not a very funny joke ;)"

On a lighter and completely serious note ;) Our family has some prayer requests....

• Amy, the young girl who has been living with us, is trying to figure out plans for the summer...where to live, where to work, etc. We are just praying that God would truly guide that and place her right where He wants her, and that that would be a place where she can be surrounded and truly settle in and prepare for baby boy.
• My Dad is having some tests run this am...
• I have been havivng the full work up lately just to have some weird symptoms I have been having checked out...so far--my brain is fine and I think the heart is good, but I am waiting for blood work to come back that tested a plethera of things ;)
• prayers for our Cali fam...we are really missing them!
• And I just need prayers for boundaries and direction...so many ppl I am in relationship with and so little time...I want to be a good daughter of the king, wife and mother and friend. Balance I guess...priorities that are well-balanced ;)

BLESSINGS FRIENDS!

Mexico & Back

Erin and I were gone to Tijuana/San Diego from last week Wednesday until late Sunday night as we took a team of 37 to build a house thru AMOR for a family of 7. I say house but it would be a glorifed garage here in the states at 22' by 22'. What a sweet trip with so many students and leaders, but way too quick too. About the time it felt like we were getting comfortable and hitting our stride, we were already done with the house and it was time to start working our way back.

The hardest part of the trip had to be leaving the girls. We've left them before but never while we've actually left the country and not been able to touch base with grandma to get an update on how things were going. It hit hard on Tuesday when we swapped vehicles and the girls in Missouri Valley with my mom and sister. I figured the initial goodbye would cause a raucous with the girls, but it actually didn't happen until we were each 5 minutes headed back where we came from when we got a call from Auntie Heather and Gracie had realized that mom and dad weren't in the van and weren't going to be around. All ended up well with them at grandma's for the week, but it was hard for the two of us!

Of course it was great picking them up again around 11pm Sunday night and seeing their faces as they woke up and realized that mom and dad were driving the van again. They could have kicked themselves right out of their carseats they were so excited and it was a joy to hear their stories/adventures with grandma and auntie. It was also amazing to see how much they'd changed in just 5 short days.

NW Iowa "Spring"

You know you live in NW IA and it's been a long winter when you bundle up and go to the park to enjoy a 45 degree day even when there is still a few inches of snow on the ground! We've had almost a solid covering of snow this winter since the week right after Thanksgiving and everyone is soooooooo ready for Spring!

A Passion for the Mission

I am totally celebrating today Rob's passion for the mission and call that God has placed on his life. i am gonna expand on this in the next post, but wanted to get these pics up and celebrate this aspect now in case I didn't get to it til later tonight!

Communicator

Sometimes it seems as if we are totally on the same page

Other times it seems like no matter how loud we shout the
other person still has a hard time hearing or reading us ;)

And sometimes we are both thinking totally different
things at totally different times!

I think the second thing that I want to celebrate this week is Rob's increased ability to communicate well. I remember being at Power Connection this summer and having Rob admit to one of the other leaders that he wasn't always the best communicator when it came to relationship. I wholeheartedly agreed at the time...I did feel like in order for me to get what he was feeling it was always a matter of how much I could over communicate in order to extract feelings from him. not always the best source or solution either ;) However in the past few months we have just gone through so many changes and adaptions, and I feel like it is those changes and adaptations coupled with a class he took last month that have just started him on this path of good communication. He just has loved me so well and those ppl we are in relationship with. Truly seeking to be aware of love languages and seek to communicate through those, attempting to identify and understand differences in ppl and thier personalities and how that plays into their communication styles....it is just so fun to watch and has challenged and blessed me in our relationship greatly. Just last night we were having a 'talk'with Grant and Amy and he said "I feel like I am turning into quite the counselor". I knew he meant in really learning to communicate and go through the processes it takes to truly hear and be heard! I love it! So we continue to celebrate birthday week by thanking God for our good COMMUNICATOR!

Amazing Dancer

Well, yesterday started the first official day of "birthday week" around our house. Since Rob actually has a birthday this year it could be argued that birthday week is null and void. He usually declares it b/c of the lack of an unofficial day to celebrate his birthday;) However, there is quite a bit to celebrate this week...one thing completely unrelated to his birthday would have to be that on Saturday he recieved his letter of acceptance to Bethel Seminary and is set to begin on our anniversary! We are so happy for him!!! and definitely in prayer for him and our family as we enter into this new season for our family!

I think then in trying to celebrate Rob this week I am going to try to share seven blessings...seven ways that he blesses my life and the life of the girls, or maybe even the way he blesses those around us. I think however I am going to start the week with the blessing of AMAZING DANCER...

We have kind of established, no Rob has established, an unwritten rule at our house that if you are crabby, stressed, sad, or even happy, excited, or hyper....you dance! He started doing this with the girls and it has carried over to all of us now for many different reasons. I would say that his amazing Dad qualities pour out through this example. He is so able to turn the girls moods around, my mood and even his own mood, through fun activities and uninhibited craziness sometimes. He doesn't worry about things sometimes and just dances! The girls love to 'chase' around the house, to play hide-and-seek, and just to fly with daddy. He has created that playfulness and craziness in our house that allows us to dance....to keep things light and to have fun together no matter what may be going on in our outside worlds! We have needed this especially this winter....it has been pretty long and I don't think I see an immediate end in sight. It is definitely challenging the joyful spirit ;)

So we celebrate Rob today for being an AMAZING DANCER!!!

if you can think of any other blessings throughout the week please feel free to post them or email them to him!