Jesus is WRECKING our lives :)

It is now time for our journey to be made public in the cyber world. I have gotten the ok from my husband to start blogging about it...I just have SOOO many things to say, I need an outlet to say them and I want to talk about it with all of you and keep you up to speed. Some of you have already received the below story via email and others of you will be reading it for the first time. It is rather lengthy but it is intricate and AMAZING the ways that God has pieced together so many things over the course of the past year really for Rob and I. It is a WILD ride! But we couldn't be more thrilled or excited! Thanks for joining us on this journey! Feel free to ask ANY questions along the way and we will be letting you know soon how you can partner with our family :)

Wish I had time to have coffee with all of you and fill you in with all of the details...so pull up a chair and your coffee and pretend!

It has been an AMAZING testimony of God's call on our lives, the passions He has instilled in us and His promise to go before us and prepare the way.

The story is a bit long ;) so call or write me if you ever want to hear the entire thing...I will try to be "briefer" here, but also want to be able to share with you some of the HUGE ways we have seen God at work and some of the "mountains" that He has been able to move.

About a year ago, exactly today :) Rob and I went away for a weekend and committed to pray in 2011 for direction. With Rob on the tail end of seminary and me finishing up my RN we could feel that God was stirring our hearts to intentionally pray for what our next move would be-whether in OC or elsewhere. We didn't know if it would mean a move, a new job description, etc...we were just committing to pray and crying out to God to be aware. Aware of his call, the way our hearts break for what breaks the Lord's, and to remain in that "willing" place ready to serve us.

There are many times I didn't see God working in this at all...nor did I remember to pray everyday...

However, this last summer God began to work in our relationship and call us out of comfortable places to make radically obedient choices and sacrifices for him. It was BEAUTIFUL! Rob and I, who are opposites in every sense, would both be brought to the same place at the same time and just know the answer to the decision to be made with hardly any discussion or conversation at all. We felt like our hearts were in a very good place and our ears were tuned into the requests God was making of us.

Then in late October, I was perusing facebook and came about a friend's post that said, "Manno needs a home". It was a posting that referred to a little boy in Haiti in need of being adopted. Something stirred within me and I felt prompted to email Children of the Promise(COTP--the orphanage) to inquire about him. The next thing I knew I was providing a woman named Robin with information about us and our family to see if we would be suitable to adopt. OH MAN! We have 4 kiddos, God! Are you sure this is a good idea? I wasn't so sure, but felt a definite sense that God was at work so I continued to walk through the doors that seemed to be opening in front of me. By the end of that week, the doors stopped opening. The organization discovered the specific ages of our kids, and they didn't think it was a good idea to add to that in this season of life (Neither did we necessarily ;). After that time I walled myself off a little from Children of the Promise and just let it settle in and tried to pray about what God was trying to teach me/show me. It had been quite the roller coaster in going from "God is calling us to adopt" to I am sorry no. However, I got the very distinct sense that the answer was not a definitive "no" but very much a "not now".

Well, about two or three weeks later, I was on Facebook again and decided to peruse the COTP page. Harmless, right? Just scrolled down reading updates on the facility and praying over the children. As I scrolled down, the cursor stopped and a large lump rose up in my throat. Here is what I read...

"Children of the Promise is in great need of a long-term volunteer to serve as our nurse and also someone to serve as our property manager. The nurse would oversee the healthcare, treatment, and records of our 60 children. Our property manager would be responsible for overseeing our buildings, vehicles, and property; which would include regular maintenance on each. The property manager may also be responsible for overseeing special projects and construction. If you know of anyone who may be interested in serving with us in Haiti, please have them contact..."

In the same way I was led to email them last time I was led again, only this time I felt a very physical reaction to reading the posting as well. I am not really a crier either and the tears just started to flow. Here is what I wrote...

I just saw the post on the facebook page that you are looking for a nurse and property manager to serve with you in Haiti. I am a nurse and my husband is a youth pastor at the current time. We would be VERY interested in this position (We would?!?! REALLY?!?!?). Would love to inquire about further details and potentially discuss this with you further. Is this still a need for you?

Erin VL

VERY interested?!?!? Was I? Really?!?!? Let's be logical a minute...4 small kids under 6, husband in seminary, house, van, close to family...who is interested in this? I didn't even tell Rob about this yet. This was just my dreamer head reacting to an emotion or feeling that I had. They were going to email me back in the same way they did before and be like I don't think this is a good idea for the season of life you are in and we were all going to go back to our lives. Right?!?!

Hello Erin,
We are still very much looking for someone to fill this position and I would love to talk more with you about it. The combination of a nurse and a youth pastor would fit perfectly with our needs and work in Haiti. Our primary vision is to serve infants and children in the impoverished area we serve. However, like with any ministry in the third world, there is so much more than that to what we do. Serving the children is essentially our platform to serve Haiti and cultivate Christ-centered relationships with Haitians. My wife and I lived in Haiti lived in Haiti for a year and are now finalizing adoptions of our 3 Haitian children in MN. It has changed our lives and truly made us new people.

It excites whenever I hear a tug on someone's heart. Let's talk more. Give me a call if you would like to talk over the phone, or we can do some emailing about it first. Ask as many questions about us or the role as you would like.

At this point I should tell Rob, I think...so I forward him the email chain that is forming :) Freaking out yet...no. Stirring inside of me--yes! I picked Rob up later that afternoon and he just smiled at me. "Haiti....really, Erin?" I didn't know what to say so I just laughed and was like, "What, it could work..." He was not for it, he was not even taking me seriously...I didn't feel any kind of need at the time to say this is for real, babe. In fact, I was feeling guilty for leading this guy Jamie to think that I was really interested. I had emailed out of my reaction and didn't think about the effect it would have on the orphanage when I had to say, sorry I was wrong.

As I pray about this more, it is so hard to know if this is a fit for us. We do have kiddos and so obviously caring for other children and our own would be a challenge. Without knowing the area, situation, your specific needs it is hard to know if this is a fit for us. I realize that it is a stretch. I just wanted to clarify that I was aware of that. I don't doubt God could work it for His good...but am just trying to discern and pray through the tug on my heart that I do feel. What are your thoughts, specifically on our family situation and your needs at COTP?

Humbly,
Erin

I didn't get a response from him for 5 days. I took this as that he got my hint and didn't want to push something on me--I don't know. Just assumed that he too realized it wasn't a fit. Then this email came...

Hey Erin,
I definitely how family shapes our lives, thinking and decision making. My wife an I went from having no kids to adopting 3 and having one biological in under a year. Now we continue to see how much our kids require of us and how much we would do to protect them. We are looking for good people with hearts for service long-term in Haiti. We do not know what that will look like. We have often discussed what it would look like to have a family down serving with us. There are definitely some logistical details and risks that would come with having international children in our compound. However, there would also be some benefits that adults would not bring to the field. My wife was pregnant in Haiti for 7 months. That act alone connected her to Haitians in a new and profound way. Anytime we have seen parents take their kids to COTP, we have seen an increased receptiveness and openness from Haitians. I think it is the sacrifice that they can sense and understand. They know how hard Haiti is, and they appreciate people sacrificing with them, especially those willing to bring their family in.
Oh man!!! Here comes the FREIGHT train! This is really something that I can't just ignore. I forwarded the email to Rob :) I wanted him to form his own reaction and not have my voice infliction, etc. As I saw him at lunch, I could tell he was actually entertaining the idea. Oh man, God...He has put us on the same page in so many places lately where I didn't think we would find common ground or even want to seek to go. When that happens, there is no arguing...just walking through the doors that open. However, I can tell that Rob is not sure about this at all. I can see him thinking through all the logistics in his head. The only response he gives is, "I really want to finish seminary." But I feel sick, like the nervous sick you just can't shake...So I respond...

Jamie--

Thanks so much for the reply! You words, the timing, hmmm....everything about it continues to speak to my heart. Things are a little crazy right now as we are leaving at 4 am tonight/tomorrow to head to CO for my little sister's wedding :) Rob and I have really been in prayer about our future and I just feel like the drive will give us more opportunity to discuss. Wondering if we could plan to talk sometime on the phone early next week. We will put together the questions/thoughts/concerns that we have and then be able to meet up with you via phone and kind of flush out more if this is something God is leading us to. We have no doubt that the spirit is moving...always just a matter of discerning and responding to the call ;)

So Rob and I talk about it as we drive to CO in the middle of the night. Talk through the logistics and our greatest fears in the whole thing (mostly the kiddos :) there is no set decision, just processing. Once we get to CO the wedding festivities are in full swing and we didn't really get the chance to discuss it again. But on the day of the wedding, I get this text from Rob that says, "This is random, but I figure I get blindsided by you lately with your emails :) But I told your dad about Haiti possibility...not sure why but I am just thinking about it alot this am after KJ yesterday (we had asked Karys when we were driving the day before if she would want to live in Haiti, "Yeah! I could help build houses for the people who don't have any").

Rob's heart shifted that morning and he urged me to call Jamie when we got home and discuss logistics, time frame, etc. He was on board...He was willing to go. That is always such a scary moment for me. When I allow myself to take steps, it doesn't always mean that I want to go to Haiti and move all my kiddos down there...there is fear, danger, illness, hurt...I am just the vessel--and then the 2 ships align...Whoa! This is really moving forward. God, calm my anxious heart...


When I first brought this to my husband's attention he thought I was just being the dreamer I can sometimes tend to be. As I explained to him more and more the process and promptings that led me to email you in the first place I think he himself began to really pray through what this would look like for us. After many conversations and really having some time in the car and time just away from life this last weekend to process and pray we are both really feeling led to continue to pursue this opportunity. We have looked through the material you sent us--I LOVE the direction that you are taking things and we are excited at the opportunity to pursue that shift further with COTP. I guess we are at the point where we are ready to talk through logistics and really look at "what's next". Some things we have found ourselves asking are...(I went on to ask logistical questions, etc)

...So, we will continue to be in deep and thoughtful prayer over this as we move forward, but are already confident that the Lord has something GREAT to teach us and show us whether we end up in Haiti or not. As we continue to walk through the doors, we prepare our hearts as we know how.

His response that came to me Tuesday of this week:

Hey Erin,
It is incredible to hear about how God prompts and works in lives to reveal His plans and will. I am always glad to hear when people are feeling prodded and pushed by God, it always means growth and greater things for our lives. My wife, Jenny, and I feel like we have been going through it for a few years: first deciding to leave our lives in California, then to adopt 3 children from COTP, then to move back state-side and become full-time missionaries in MN (but working full-time for Haiti). I would not have thought my path in life would have brought me to work with babies or Haiti, but I always tell people that God's plans are always better, always higher, always filled with joy and intense love. However, they are usually the hardest paths to follow too. Before we move forward and talk more logistics, I want to make sure you know that I do not feel like it is my job to convince people to go to Haiti. In fact, that is the last thing I want. Missions is not a whole lot of fun, it is intense and exhausting, and tries every part of you. But God will give the grace, peace, and joy each person needs to do it. I don't say this because I want to deter you, but I always feel a responsibility to walk through this process with people in an honest and real way. I would love to see you guys move down and serve with us if that is what God calls, but not if He is not. Not by our wills!

All that said, I am extremely excited to hear about your interest. You are asking the real questions, the ones that people ask when they are actually serious about this. Moving forward, I would love to keep having ongoing discussions with you guys. Ask any questions you can think of and I will do my best to answer them honestly. I would also highly recommend you guys think about taking a short trip to Haiti. It would be essential prior to making a firm commitment of any kind. We should also connect on the phone. If you would like to give me a call today when you get the chance, that would be fine, I would love to talk to both of you.

I tried to call him on Tues late afternoon but wasn't able to get him...

And then there was Bible study Wed am. I took so many deep breaths during that time and just tried to stay calm. So much of our conversation spoke to our situation, my heart and where we are at right now!!! SO MUCH!!! I was getting so overwhelmed and at one point had said in my head, “Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be to me according to your word.” After praying that prayer, I looked down at my phone to find that I had a text from Jamie. Right then, right at that moment it had come! Never had we text each other before.... Ahhhhh!

So we talked later in the afternoon at 1pm. It was amazing! Just to share our hearts, hear more about COTP, talk logistics, etc. So now here we are...trying to figure out how we can make a trip to Haiti in a month. He is down there from Jan 14-23 and if it is at all possible he would like us to come down during that time. He feels that that would be crucial in really discerning if God is calling us to this and if not we would know that right away as well. That would also allow us to begin the preparations to make the move. There would be SO many things to do...

So I emailed one of my friends, a woman I went to Haiti with 2 years ago and asked her to pray specifically for the following: -plans to travel during the dates we were given, childcare for our kiddos, wisdom, and $1500 to cover the cost of the trip. We went and had dinner with friends that evening and when we came home I opened my email to this...

Just talked to b and we have got you covered for the trip - send me your address and we'll send you a check :-) I've been so moved today just thinking about this today - know that the Lord is going to use every step in this process to move others closer to him.

T

Rob just looked at me and said, "Looks like we are going to Haiti!

I have been affirmed over and over again as we shared the news about going...I have been so surprised, but everyone has said, "It is overwhelming, but I am not surprised." I even found a blog post that I had written but never published from October 1st. I remember the "random" thought that popped in my head early one morning as I drove alone in the car..."If you woke up this morning and heard the voice of God telling you to go to Ninevah, would you go? And how long would it take you to LEAVE the life you have and OBEY the call to follow?"

So we WENT!!! and it was AMAZING...amazingly HARD, amazingly UNCOMFORTABLE, but also amazingly BEAUTIFUL, and amazingly CLEAR!

These are the updates we each sent our families when we got home...

Mi Familia-

That was definitely Spanish instead of French or Creole that I should know a little more of by now! :)

My apologies for lack of info and updates since landing back stateside late Tuesday but no doubt the last 48 hours have been a whirlwind here with diving back into everything.

As I begin to write this I even get chills and tears thinking of our whirlwind 4+ days on the ground at Children of the Promise. Simply put, GOD, He wrecks us in all the right ways and right now we truly feel like we can only do but one thing and that is to continue to walk down the road that leads us towards a transition to Haiti and Children of the Promise . . . it doesn't add up . . . it doesn't make sense . . . and we know we don't totally know what we are in for . . . and that's the beauty of being wrecked!

We hope to send some more pics and be in more conversation with all of you in the coming days but the reality is that we are swamped a bit until Florida next week. I have a retreat with middle school students this weekend among other things going on already! We look forward to sharing more of this journey with each of you as we move forward towards what this looks like!

For the KINGdom!

Follower, Husband, Father, Son, Brother, Grandson and Nephew


Alright Family...

I am anticipating that many of you are in some ways waiting to hear from me. Thanks so much for all the prayers while we were gone and even the ways you have let me know you were thinking of me since we have been home!

While I am eager to catch up with all of you! I feel like I am in a dream, it seems so surreal and I can't place my emotions...I don't know if that makes sense. Two days ago I was in the thick of things down at COTP in HAITI!!!! And now here I am...just plopped back into life as I knew it before I left. Like I am just supposed to live as if none of it ever happened?!?!

Well it did...and it continues to happen...

I know the answer you want to know is "Are you going?" :) I felt like I would walk away wanting to know that question too...but that wasn't the case.

There were really no "red flags" while we were there...there are some hard questions to ask and I had thought that that may be where the flags would show themselves, but this afternoon Rob told me he feels like nothing in those hard places will keep us from going...

Every prayer I prayed while we were there was tangibly or audibly answered...through the actions of a child or the words or Rob or another person there. EVERY ONE!

One of the main ones...proving to be the biggest one was when I was talking with a lady on Monday, our last day there, she was asking me about this and how we would decide and basically letting me know that she thought this was crazy! I told her that it wasn't like I got online and looked for a third world country to move my family to... :) But in that conversation I just shared with her...I really feel like God directed me down this path first. He worked in me through the prospect of adopting and then through the opening for a nurse...and then HE did a mighty work by putting Rob and I on the same page. We have been there. I have seen what it would/will be like. And I know that in this place I am now, I need to submit to Rob and the Lord and pray for that direction and ultimately that decision to come and be delivered in that way.

The next day, I got a little sick on the way to the airport and I was exhausted and crabby. I was trying to not let that come out and knew my best option was just to sleep. I slept in the CAP airport and most of that flight but woke up just as we were landing in Port...Here is the convo Rob and I had at that time...

R-"Hey there!"
E-Head nod and maybe even a grunt...not to enthused about waking up...
R-"Are we gonna be back here?"
E-"I have no idea...I just woke up."
Pause...
E-"Wait, do you think we are coming back here?"
R-"Yeah, I do."
E-"I can't talk about this right now"

REALLY?!?!?! God you couldn't even give me like the Christian staple...you know the week after something to "pray over it" and to wait for God to speak...NOPE...but HE spoke! So blatantly and so DELIBERATELY!!!

So that is where we are...my husband is smiles from ear to ear...crazy with excitement and passion over this new direction. I am not quite there yet. I am still waiting for my breakdown...holding out for my good cry ;) But I am 110% on board...just overwhelmed at what the reality of that looks like. And like all things, this is a JOURNEY...tomorrow isn't guaranteed. And for that reason, we just continue to stand palms open and willing to walk with HIM. He will close the doors if need be and we are praying that our hearts remain open to that right now.

So...prayers for wisdom...how do we move forward from here...

-for our kids
-for our friends and families
-for COTP-staff, kids, team and how we fit in that
-for a place for us to live down there
-for God to already stir the hearts of those who will support us
-for our hearts to remain present and to serve and love where we are

Just a part of the list ;)

And THANK YOU, for being on this journey with us...

I am humbled...truly...

E